9/2/17, kid #1:
“All the kids _like_ Broadway now.”
7/27/17, kid #1 eating some weird blue snack food:
“I feel like for every one of these you eat, that’s another month you have to spend in the underworld with Hades”
7/7/16, kid #1:
“Lisa Frank is true art”
4/21/16, kid #1:
“Why are all these anime set in middle school? *Nothing* happens in middle school!”
10/4/15, kid #1, disapproving of restaurant music:
“It sounds like the default desktop background image of Windows XP is yelling at me”
8/4/15, kid #1:
“I love YouTube channels full of nothing but lyrics videos with small spelling mistakes. You can tell those people haven’t been corrupted by the world yet. They’re just here for the music”
7/2/15, kid #1 (on further questioning she said she meant Ross):
“I can’t really remember what my elementary school science teacher looked like, so I just pretend he looked like the guy from ‘Friends'”
7/1/15, kid #1:
“Who needs to watch sports on TV when you can watch *anime about sports* instead?”
6/24/15, kid #1:
“They should call it *dumb* teens react”
8/5/15, kid #1:
“Isn’t it amazing how I started out as a baby but now I’m basically a fully functional human being who can do things for myself?”
4/23/15, kid #1:
“The only reason I’d want to be a parent is so I can make jokes. If my kid told me, ‘I’m gay’, I’d be like, ‘hi Gay, I’m mom'”
1/18/15, kid #1:
“I know I sound like a hipster, but new SpongeBob is crap”
1/17/15, kid #1:
“The only reason I’d ever sign up for Facebook is if I needed to ‘like’ something to get a discount”
1/16/15, kid #1, on Honey Nut Cheerios:
“I hate him! I hate that bee so much!”
12/24/15, kid #1:
“There’s a reason new stuff is popular: it’s better”
10/23/14:
“We’re pretty sure John Egbert is going to die [soon], so we’re building a shrine”
10/9/14, kid #1:
“It tasted good but I couldn’t stop feeling like we might be eating Menudo the band cooked into a soup”
9/18/14, kid #1:
“So this is why iMovie calls that effect the ‘Ken Burns'”
8/16/14, kid #1:
“You’re literally telling me that every time you see aviators worn with a hoodie, you think of that bomber guy?”
6/28/14, kid #1:
“Memes don’t belong on tv, they don’t belong on tshirts worn by kids too young to know what it is, they don’t belong in pop songs. They belong to the weirdos of the internet!”
6/5/14, kid #1, on “Sylvan Learning” and its ilk:
“Pay money to torture your child all summer”
11/12/15, kid #2:
“Justin Timberlake was in U2”
12/5/14, kid #2:
“Sometimes I think ‘this is a bad dub, I wish I was watching the sub’, and then I remember I’m not watching anime”
12/28/13, kid #2:
“Some people say vinaigrette, some people say vinaiGRAY”
11/13/10:
kid #2: “Too bad I can’t marry this hamburger”
kid #1: “But you’d just end up eating it”
kid #2: “That’s the point!”
2/13/16, kid #2, observing a man change the moveable letters on a tall fast food sign using a telescoping tool to grab them and put them in place:
“I wonder if he enjoys his life. I wonder if he’s satisfied with this occupation”
5/28/15, watching some “true crime” show:
kid #1: that cop looks really gay. Sometimes you can just tell by looking at a guy’s face. It’s in the bone structure.
kid #2: no. he’s married and his wife bosses him around a lot. And he doesn’t understand his kids at all. And he is always barbecuing but he’s terrible at it.
12/29/13, kid #2:
“We are the government, we take your money and kill things..”
3/4/11, kid #1:
“No real boy wears nice clothes”
10/4/13, kid #1, watching “Back to the Future”:
“Who names a kid ‘Biff’? It’s like you _want_ him to punch his way through life.”
“You can tell they’re supposed to be dumb, because they have cows”
“This still doesn’t make her likable, it just makes her a hypocrite!” – on 1955 Lorraine compared to 1985
“No guy who isn’t *looking* to get punched in the face would act like that” – on poor George McFly
4/12/13, kid #1:
“Maybe *I* could be a street performer someday”
4/2/11, kid #1:
“Anime people wear _short_ shorts!”
1/17/11, kid #1:
“Pizza doesn’t laugh. If it could make any noise, it would cry”
1/15/11:
kid #1: “I don’t want to grow up!”
kid #2: “Well you’d have to get bitten by a vampire to stay 9 forever. Apparently vampires aren’t real
12/29/10, kid #1:
“I hate nice things”
12/27/10, kid #1:
“My favorite thing about the holidays is getting a Pez dispenser, filling it up, and eating all the Pez in one day”
12/18/10, kid #1, watching “Hell’s Kitchen”:
“Most of the people that have been on that show committed suicide”
11/15/10, kid #1:
“I love nerdfights”
10/29/10, kid #1, watching “Seinfeld” for the first time:
“This is a horrible, horrible show”
10/15/10, kid #1, on the Iron Giant:
“He’s so cute! I like metal guys.”
9/19/10, kid #1:
“Kids don’t get tired”
8/20/10, kid #1 on computer shopping:
“Get one that has access to Google”
5/30/10, kid #1:
“How many Justin Bieber haircuts do I have to see today? It’s kinda creepy.”
12/12/10, kid #2:
“People are staring at us, wondering ‘why is he letting those little girls drink coffee?'”
7/28/10, kid #2:
“I wonder what Canadian people look like”
10/31/10:
Me: “How’s your steak?”
kid #2: “If I’m gobbling it down in one bite, that means it’s good”.
10/26/10, kid #2:
“There *is* such a thing as an upper-case ‘4’, you know”
10/6/10, kid #2:
“I’ve already told you, you should not mess with me”
11/16/14:
kid #1: here dad put my DS in your pocket and walk around wherever you see a bunch of nerds, so it’ll pick up street passes
Me: I’m not going to creep on a bunch of teenagers for you
kid #1: you don’t have to talk to them, just kinda walk near them
10/19/12, kid #1:
“Don’t be such an eight year old, Dad”
1/28/11:
kid #2: “how do you spell happiness?”
kid #1: “I don’t know, I’ve never experienced it”
9/28/12, adding two new goldfish to the aquarium:
kid #1: I wonder if the new ones have strange accents.
kid #2: Like British accents?
kid #2: They wouldn’t have British accents. All fish fear the British, because of Fish and Chips.
7/6/13, kid #1:
“You mean the government knows what I’ve been texting to my friends?! They know who I have a crush on!”
10/19/12, kid #1:
“I’m so high on pixie sticks I wont be surprised if I wake up on the curb”
11/29/14:
kid #1: The cops in my school only do three things. Enforce dress codes, bust kids for skipping class, and yell at the autistic kids for flapping their arms in the hallway.
kid #2: could you make friends with the cops so they won’t arrest you ?
kid #1: that only works in movies, not in real life.
1/20/12:
kid #1: some guy today gave me his watch and told me to fix it for him and then give it back to him on Monday.
Me: some guy? you mean like a kid your age?
kid #1: yeah, he’s in the same grade (fourth) as me but in a different class.
Me: why does he think you’ll fix his watch?
kid #1: he must have heard about me. I fix lots of stuff.
Me: at school?
kid #1: yes!
Me: like what?
kid #1: There was this really annoying sound in math class that you could only hear when things were quiet, but made it hard to think when you could hear it. It was coming from a little alarm that was connected to some electrical wires, and I saw there was a knob on it that said “turn to silence alarm”, so I started to turn it but you needed a screw driver to turn it with and I didn’t have one, so I started using a paperclip to turn it with. But the principal happened to be walking by and he thought us kids were trying to stick the paperclip in the electrical outlet, so he made a rule that kids were not allowed to touch that thing anymore, and now every day that alarm goes off and there’s nothing we can do about it. The principal didn’t give the teacher the chance to explain what I was doing..
Me: wait, your teacher knew you were messing with the “alarm”? Why did she let you?
kid #1: because I’m the teacher’s pet and she knows I know what I’m doing!
Me: well why didn’t she get you a screwdriver so you wouldn’t have to use a paperclip?
kid #1: for some reason there’s a rule against giving kids construction tools.
Me: I’d like to see this “alarm”. I don’t suppose you could take a picture of it? Do they allow cameras at school?
kid #1: I don’t know, but the other day some guy I didn’t know had his Nintendo DS at school and was taking pictures of me and the other girls with it without asking us.
Me: how old was he?
kid #1: about my age I guess. Why would a boy do that?
Me: I don’t know.. I think I’m going to walk you into your classroom tomorrow so I can see this alarm. I want to get there early so I can see it before anyone else is in the room.
kid #1: ok but don’t mess with it.
10/9/13, kid #1:
“So the New Testament is basically fan fiction.”
11/5/11, kid #1 looks at Hot Topic:
“no thanks, teenagers kind of scare me”
10/19/12, kid #1:
“Disney’s gone steam punk! It’s awesome!”
3/29/13:
Me: So.. you didn’t stay up all night reading fan fiction, you stayed up all night writing it?
kid #1: .. yes
6/29/14, kid #1:
“It’s a good thing you have a beard, Dad. Just having mustache is creepy”
9/26/13, kid #1 watches “Pretty in Pink”:
“I’ve got advice for you Duckie: stop being so creepy.. stop hitting on every girl..”
“I’m not sure what kind of hat that is, but I’m sure it’s not a guy’s hat”
“I would not even be able to talk to a guy who was wearing leopard shorts”
“I don’t care how gay that guy is, dangly earrings are for girls”
“[Andi] is the only girl whose hair doesn’t make me want to punch someone”
“She’s got relatively nice clothes for the time she lives in”
“She’s got stalkers, she can’t be that unpopular”
“I didn’t know hair could have that many spikes! Wow, I’m genuinely impressed!”
“The only thing that guy has going for him is long flowing poofy hair”
“That suit is so floppy! It looks like a suit that a business man would wear but it’s all soft!”
“I wouldn’t let [Duckie] into my home, much less my room”
“This should be a vine!”
“Blane is one of those names like ‘Brad’, and ‘Ryan’, that are always names for popular guys. Girls could be like hey ‘who’s that dork’, but if he says ‘hi I’m Brad’, they’re like ‘oooh, Brad!'”
9/28/12, kid #2:
“Every second gets us closer to when we die”
12/31/13, kid #2, imaging how boys think:
“Oh look a girl! I’ve never seen a real live girl before!”
9/29/12, kid #2, eating devil’s food cake:
“I’m gonna taste some Satan!”
7/31/11, kid #2:
“Someday I’ll get myself a princess job.”